She Just Had to Say It

For anyone on a feed, I’ve moved to my own domain! Come on over.

www.shejusthadtosayit.com

Y’all are gonna’ KILL me……

I’m moving domains. Again.

It’s all good. Except for the feeds and blogrolls (cringe). Sorry. Again.

But we’re movin’ on UP.

Grab a box and click here. I’m moving to www.shejusthadtosayit.com

I’ve finally got my own piece of the pie!

I did it. I mailed the prize packages this afternoon. I figured it was best to go ahead and just get it over with, rather than lament, mourn and delay the inevitable.

But it was not easy. The enemy did NOT make it easy.

The package arrived from Anne Taintor this morning. I opened it and lovingly drooled all over it fingered each individual item as I contemplated the agony of having to part with it all. The torment was too much to bear. I knew I needed to get it out of my house before I tore into it all, slapped all the magnets up on my frig, doodled in the notebook and starting making lists on the notepad…..

The temptation to keep it was too intense to have hanging over my head.

Knowing how cold hearted inconvenient the post office is, I decided to cough up the few extra dollars to ship everything from the UP*S Store. I knew they would handle me gently in my fragile state were more convenient, and I was looking to have the prize stripped from me shipped as efficiently as possible so I could just be done with it. And move on.

But their MARK-UP?! Are you kidding me?! The insensitivity, people. Do not mistake the UP*S Store as a place to find compassion. They’ll gouge you as deeply as they can with a syrupy smile plastered on their face the whole time.

Well, I’d HAD it. Here I was in a vulnerable position and I just couldn’t abide being kicked while I was down anymore loss.

I paid for my overpriced envelopes and clearly stated that no amount of convenience was worth a veritable mortgage payment. SOR. RY.

And I went to the post office. Do y’all see how committed I am to my integrity?? (Honey - are you reading? I went to the post office to save money.)

I do want to apologize to That Girl, Frantically Simple and Beyond Mom for the hideous packaging. The postal lady TACK-I-FIED it with stamps. She called it “giving them a little taste of spring” - but every classy bone in my body was screeching, “Do you not understand the value of the contents in your hands?! Anne would never, never approve.” I mean, the neat packaging job I’d done was desecrated in one fell swoop. For real. I’m so sorry. I’m so embarrassed.

But I saved money.

So I’m over it.

And One Thing - Sweet One Thang, I’m sorry for the effort you are going to have to put forth to get into your box. The same postage lady double boxed the package so I could get the flat rate priority rate. (Which makes no sense. We ADDED weight, but paid LESS?!) It’s ironic, no? Since when does the government help you save money? The UP*S Store has nothing on the United States Postal Service.

Maybe one of your little helpers will enjoy opening it. I swear it’s all in there. I didn’t just wrap a box inside a box inside a box….. although now I’m wishing I had thought of it. Because really?? All you did to earn this outstanding prize package was leave a lousy comment. That hardly seems fair.

And while I’m on the topic of likely completely offending you, I’d like to ask you to reconsider the BFF thing… because I really do love you. When I made that comment, I really had no idea how lovely you would be in your “lavender haze of Anne Taintor love…..” I mean, you’ve almost made me feel good about the GIVE-AWAY part of this give-away. And that - well, that is worthy of BFF status.

Anyway. It’s gone. It’s done. And if you start to wonder why I’m not blogging as regularly……….. well, the counseling is going to take up a good bit of time each day….. But I’ll get over it.

Ahhhh.. the beauty of home schooling.

There are several. Beauties. But the one that keeps me SANE is our three weeks on/ one week off schedule. It makes for a short summer, but it’s worth it to have regular breaks. Our last break was the week the nephs were in the house. Not going back there - but if YOU want to, click here and keep reading until the “In Which I Appease My Inner Voice” post.

Anyway. We’re off this week. GUH-LORY!

It’s an important week to be off. I need to spend a lot of time in counseling preparing for the arrival of my Mother on Thursday night. I’ve got security measures to put in place this week, now that I have things to protect y’all.

Here’s the short list. I’m not even kidding.

• Establish a new desktop user. You know, one without my blog email server, Firefox bookmarks, etc. (Because Frank Abagnale Mother WILL ask to use my computer. She always does.)

• Create Auto-posts for Friday and Saturday, because we’ve already established that it’s not in my nature to abandon my readers. And I will NOT be logging on.

• Etc. And may I just point out how HUGE that ETC. really is? Because my Mother is coming and did I really just abbreviate etcetera in context to my MOTHER? *snort*

And, I’ve also got to…..

• ENJOY my children. They need me this week. And I need them. I am grateful for the extra time to connect with them.

• Restore some order to my house, which really should be ready for showings. Except that we haven’t HAD any showings.

• Rest. Listen. Receive. The Holy Spirit had my number in church yesterday when He practically screamed at audibly spoke to me, “Shut up and listen, already”. You know the call. Reproachful, yet gentle and loving. I’m so glad God doesn’t “do” condemnation. My time with the Lord has taken back seat to the rest of life, including this blog. (gulp) Ahhhh, my black heart didn’t even put this at the top of the list where it belongs.

HOWEVER.

I gotta’ confess….. (and I can do that because this is anonymous and the home school office isn’t reading) While I’m feeling like I NEED this break, I do not feel like I have EARNED it based on my home schooling efforts of late. I have basically sucked at that part of my job description since February.

I don’t know if it’s the blog, the winter slump, my loss of vision for home schooling, our unusually out-of-control schedule, or a combination of the four, but I’ve lost it. We’ve remained faithful in the core stuff, and my Nina is done with her standardized testing. Lover Boy is preparing for his. But I really want to finish well. So, I’ve got this week to get my act together for the last four week stretch.

I mean, every year we go through a post-Holiday slump, but this is different. And it leads me to believe God is calling us out of this hard core home schooling season. Which means He’s preparing us for a new season, and since He does all things well, I’m finding myself feeling less guilty and more excited about it.

Hubby is out of town, so that gives me even more time to (and fewer excuses not to) crank out a productive week.

I wonder what the Lord has in store….

Worship this morning was kickin’.

It generally is. The Worship Arts team at our church consists of some terrifically gifted and outstanding musicians. It is a blessing and a privilege, to be sure. And most importantly, while excellence is a priority, it is never moreso than remembering Who we worship, rather than the music itself.

I am regularly moved on Sunday mornings as we are ushered into the presence of God through music, praise and worship. There is a sweet communion of song and voice as we corporately lift up our hearts to the Father and give Him His rightful place.

All of that is HUGE, but of particular consequence is a the precious voice of a little girl who leads worship without even knowing it. Every week.

Debra has Downs Syndrome, always sits on the front row alone and loves to sing. Her precious voice, though off key and sometimes a beat behind, literally rises up like a sweet offering to her Lord. From her very lips, God has indeed ordained His praise.

Psalm 8:2

From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise

Y’all, when that winsome sound falls on my ears, I am humbled. I am humbled by its purity. I am humbled by her countenance and her heart for her Jesus.

And, I am humbled by my own ugly pride. (embarrassed sigh)

I would willingly trade my own for such a voice. I would quickly exchange a voice that is decent (on a good day), but not always pure for one like Debra’s that is innocent and unskilled.

Because guess which is better, sweeter, more acceptable, received? The one ordained for His glory.

I swear that each time I hear it, I have to get a grip on myself. It is the most tender, pure voice I know in that place. Her utterance grounds me, reminds me why we have come, and admonishes me to repent of my sin and praise my Jesus with a pure heart of my own.

Psalm 51:15-17

¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Debra’s not on the vocal team. But she leads. Oh, does that girl ever lead.

Because every week, she faithfully, yet unknowingly models a contrite heart in that place that draws others to Her Savior.  Including myself.

Come, Lord Jesus, inhabit the praise of your people.

I’m taking this opportunity to share a little sweet bloggy love. Link love, that is. Because, that’s what it’s all about, right?

Favorite bloggy reads this week:

Pixie has a new “ex” - And I Thought I Was the Drama Queen. Well done, girl.

Take 90 West disturbed me with her rabbit story. I gasped. Her first foray into Abercrombie & Fitch made me laugh out loud.

Another shout-out to my design team, See My Designs by Shauna and DCR Designs.

Jenni from One Thing has new digs. I’m still waiting for my margarita. Take a number. (Ooh - this just in!! Jenni WON my giveaway! I had to award two runner-ups for two entries that did not win, but should have. Prizes are on their way. And I’m in counseling for it.)

Chinese Take-Away is on the scene. Lanxi won my blog makeover giveaway, and I LOVE how it turned out!

Can’t wait to see what y’all come up with next week! Bring it!

…through Christ (sob)….. Who strengthens me. (uncontrollable weeping)

Soliloquy wept.

That’s scriptural, y’all. Okay, not really.

Half of it is, though.

Remember the little Anne Taintor give-away? The one I made such a big deal about? The one that brought me all those glorious hits comments?

I changed my mind. I’m keeping it, Anne Taintor style.

“buy your own damn prize” *snort*

Thanks for commenting anyway.

(Walking away)

“Hm? What? What would Anne think? I don’t know……. Dang. Do you think she would revoke my BFF status over something so minor as LOVING her stuff so much I couldn’t bring myself to give it away?”

OH. ALRIGHT. You can have it. Stupid prize giveaway.

So here’s how I considered selecting a winner.

1. The best comment from those who said their favorite caption was the same as Anne’s. (And I quote.)
“Oh gosh… my favorites change all the time… But my newest favorite is “she was one cocktail away from proving his mother right”.”

2. Hubby wanted to give it to Frantically Simple for her comment. Really. Because she was the only one to thank him for funding the giveaway. *snort*

But the rules clearly stated RANDOM. So, after the RANDOM draw, there will be two runner-up prizes (an Anne Taintor book) based on the above criteria. Because I am nothing, if not generous.

The RANDOM winner is Jenni!

I’m really happy for you and everything, but you understand we can never be BFF’s. The rules clearly stated that I am a jealous, covetous woman who cannot rejoice with others in their Anne Taintor victories.

But whatever.

Our runners-up are:

1. Anne’s favorite caption: JennyDecki

(For real this time.)


I’m done. I entered all the Starbucks giveaways that were over $10. I did the Target, Visa and Amazon giveaway contests. I didn’t win Queen B’s Amazon giveaway, even though we had agreed that I would.

I even already spent it, y’all. Now, in addition to my blog expenses and my own $65 give-away, I have to explain the Amazon box that arrived yesterday to the tune of $35.

I’m in the red. Thanks, Queen.

“What? It’s my favorite color, you say? As in, you’ve done me a favor? Riiight.”

She KNOWS that black is my favorite not-a-color, because that is just one of the so many ways we are the same. The insensitivity, people.

Kidding about Queen B’s contest. I couldn’t convince would never ask her to rig it.

I was under-impressed with some of the give-aways. Salt and Pepper shakers? The unused balance on a gift card? What can I get for $9.57 at the Cheesecake Factory? I’m not sure it’s even enough for a single piece of Peanut Butter Cookie Dough cheesecake. I guess I could have gotten a Diet Coke. That’s worth it.

I’ll be right back - gotta’ go enter that one real quick.

Demin overalls in a 4T? The chance to go clean someone’s house?! (Kidding. snort!)

I was MOST impressed with mine, of course a WordPress giveaway from sH Blogger (I actually entered two of those. Brilliant.) As in hand-holding, upgrade, “You’re not stupid, honey. You’re just learning.” assistance. I MUST. HAVE. THAT.

*Ooh, little update here - God is chasing me down y’all, because I was just invited to enter AGAIN by linking to Desperately Seeking Sanity’s WordPress giveaway.  That’s four chances, dear reader. Count them. FO-AH.*

And I was also impressed by the online gift certificates over $40 and cold, hard cash.

(You probably accurately guessed that I had to link to those last two for an extra entry. They’re not dumb, those bloggy bloggers. They want my traffic. But please don’t go. You’ll decrease my chances.)

Tune in tomorrow when I announce my own Anne Taintor giveaway WINNER. (Who, sadly will NEVER get to be my BFF for taking it away from me…… but whatever.)

And where I turn to you for emotional support in my time of loss. Because if I don’t win anything AND I have to part with all this freakin’ awesome Anne stuff…. well, who’s to say what will become of me?

I guess I could always give myself a Drinks on Me! Award.

This week has been such a nightmare, I feel like it started at least a month 9 nine days ago.

But it has only been eight days, dear reader, since the Mother Breach. Eight days of hell.

Oh, I kid. This week has been anything BUT the absence of God. And THAT is for real. He is so good. Oh, so good.

My life does feel something like a puzzle that was rudely disassembled and all the little pieces flung to the far corners of the earth. And I do feel like I’ve been asked to put it back together. Blindfolded.

And I so quite literally feel like I’ve been groping around in the dark, trying to make my way “back” to some semblance of order.

You know what’s ironic? I created this blog for my sanity. I specifically recall the words, “not sucking me dry”. Yah. I hope that whole thing is part of returning to said “semblance of order”. ‘Cause otherwise, I’m packing up and going home.

I’m sick of this blog. Hubby’s sick of this blog. My designers, my kids - oh, all right - EVERYONE is stinkin’ sick of this blog.

There’s been NO balance, people. Dang.

After the breach, I asked you to pray about my two days with my mother in MN, mere hours after courting disaster on the grandest scale.

I didn’t. want. to lie. to her.

But y’all, she asked who Soliloquy was. I KNEW she would. I TOLD you she would.

(”Thanks, God, for coming through on that narcolepsy thing. That was juuuust greeeeat.”)

Phht.

My husband is in public relations. I lovingly refer to him as a Spin Doctor. He gets paid to make really bad things sound excellent.

I suppose the Lord knew well and good that I would need someone to help me tactfully avoid navigate my relationship with my Mother for the rest of all time.

I really don’t know what I would have done without my communications strategy and main talking points. Just stay on script, Soliloquy. Don’t stray.

“Who is Soliloquy, Mother? (She pretended not to be able to pronounce it! snort!) Oh you know, I’m on so many loops for homeschooling and the adoption (which is true) and I get so much email from those groups (also true), that I created a separate email account for junk that I don’t want to go to my personal account.” (Kinda’ true. But technically a lie of omission, since the email I don’t want going to my personal account is from my ANONYMOUS blog.)

Totally lame, right? What was I to do, dear reader? I ask you.

She so didn’t buy it. But her mandatory 24 hour best behavior code, when we’ve not seen each other for a while, saved me and she let it go.

Until further investigation ensues, that is.

You think I’m kidding? Have I not told you that I wouldn’t LIE to you?! HOW MANY times do we have to go through this?!

Want proof? THIS is what we talked about for the rest of the time we had together.

Her freakishly sharp mind. The minutia of pulling off her unparalleled GRAND gesture

Mother regaled me with all the necessary fabrications to pull this off. I believe her exact words were, “I’m so good at lying, I scare myself.”

She had worried about this discrepancy and that, but had managed to cover each base meticulously.

Here’s the kicker. She SAID this. Out loud. “You know, I just don’t think most people think like I do. Sometimes I feel like, oh what was his name? You know, the movie “Catch Me, If You Can” - the main character that scammed everyone.”

Frank Abagnale.

And she’s totally 100% right. You SEE? There’s NO SUCH THING as being overly paranoid when it comes to my Mother. She is not someone to be trifled with. Ever.

Sheesh. And you know what’s worse? I’m the same way.

Excuse me while I go pour myself a drink. This is heavy stuff, y’all.

Seriously though, it’s no small feather in my cap that I got TEN people from Minneapolis to Vegas for her 50th birthday. We all just walked up to her at Hoover Dam and said, “Happy Birthday, Mother!” She was so surprised - not as much though that we were there, as she was that we’d actually pulled it off. Without her having ANY clue. I’d planned a houseboat on Lake Mead, Cirque du Soleil and about 60 surprise letters from friends and family. My son was 5 weeks old. I was 26.

Damn, I’m good. Still am. I should be. I learned from the BEST. But I’m working HARD not to turn into my mother (in most ways), so it’s not something I like to brag about admit.

I’m wrapping up the Procedure Manual on a Mother Breach. I will condense it into bullet format for you:

• Collect yourself. (Though I cannot claim I did this as efficiently as I would like for you to believe.)
• Check to see if Privacy settings can be adjusted. (WordPress did NOT cooperate!)
• Consider shutting down blog altogether. There can be NO EVIDENCE, people.
• Grieve blog.
• Slap yourself. Pray about what to do. (Duh!) Listen to husband’s and friend’s demands that you continue blogging.
• Back up all entries. (I missed this step. I clearly was still working on trying to collect myself.)
• EDIT or DELETE all your best material anything that could be construed as offensive. (Totally unnecessary, but I still didn’t have the victory over the collection of myself.)
• Launch a second blog name – quick think of ANY name. Time is of the essence. ANYTHING WILL DO.
• Contact Shauna and threaten beg her to drop everything to change your header.
• Export/ Import all entries (Yes, defeating the purpose of the edits. Pull yourself together, girl!)
• Permanently delete original blog. (A lot scarier than it sounds! How will my faithful readers ever find me again?)
• E-mail any and everyone you can think of to redirect them and grovel plead for their help in tracking down your readers.
• Write post explaining Breach. (Make it funny. Humor heals.)
• Create new email address on different domain (Again, totally unnecessary. I’m still panicking at this point. Do you SEE how far down the list we are?)
• Research second desktop mail server to keep email accounts SEPARATE (Do ya’ think?!)
• Install and launch desktop mail server
• Shut down new and unnecessary email account. (Starting to get a grip here.)
• Pray that readers will find their way back to you- more for the sake of your reputation than traffic
• Rewrite DELETED and EDITED priceless material. Reformat all links. (Still trying. But it’s just not the same.)
• Consider ways to THANK the bloggers who encouraged you and/ or saved your boo-tottom. (Still working on this one. Awards have been created.)
• Try to maintain blogging regularly, including TWO giveaways, networking with the likes of Anne Taintor (helllloooooo?!) and traveling in the meantime.

Eight days. One woman. Two designers. Two neglected children. One GENEROUS husband. A handful of gracious bloggers, to whom I will forever be indebted to and scores of encouraging commenters. (Thank you. I could just weep. For real.)

It’s been nearly impossible, so please forgive me if my “get up and go” seems to have gotten up and gone. I swear I’m chasing it down as fast as I can.

The upside to all of this, (because God is good like that) has been:
• I am fairly certain my EXTREME measures to ensure my anonymity are secure.
• I met some fantastic bloggy friends who helped in both emotional and practical ways (Redneck Mommy, Musings of a Housewife, Chinese Take-Away, Blah Blah Blog, One Thing, Queen B, THAT Girl)
• I LOVE my new name. I feel like it better represents who Soliloquy is.
• TERRIFIC, if not stressful, blogging material. Sure hope I never have to edit all the good stuff out EVER. AGAIN.

The downside:
• Lost material that I may never get back.
• Lost readers. That bums me out because it is so NOT in my nature to abandon ANYTHING. Except my family, for the sake of my dang blog.

My hits definitely dropped, but not as badly as I had expected. But, I have lots of new readers. (Well, hello there. Welcome! Why yes, I am a big, hot mess. But I’m working on it.)

That gives me an idea. If you originally read me at Truth in Soliloquy and didn’t find me because of a direct email from me, would you be so kind to leave a comment telling me how you found me at She Just Had To Say it?

‘Cause I’m sure I have bloggers to thank.

I’m done here. Y’all know I love my Mother right? This whole thing is NOT about not loving her. Oh, please, dear reader. I am desperate to be understood here.

Lanxi and Comrade-In-Arms, I heard you LOUD and CLEAR this morning. Thanks for being the voice of conscience - and for being here when I resurfaced for air.

Hubby, I’m back. Sorry about this week. But thanks for your unconditional support and for your encouragement insistence that I continue blogging. (Meet me upstairs?)

Well? Do y’all like the new look? With a background and template change, the blog overhaul is finally complete.

WordPress is wonderful in many ways. And it sucks in others. (Just ask Shauna.)

Unless you can customize CSS (code), you can’t have anything new, but a header and some buttons.

DCR Designs knows code! And we have her to thank for the finishing touches. It looks fabulous, yes??

No worries, I had permission from Shauna to add to her design, and well???? What do you think of the final product?!?!

Get used to it. NOTHING will be changing for a loooong time. I’ve been put on bloggy spending restriction. For real.

And it’s so unlike hubby to say No to me. So that would serve as a pretty clear indication of how out of hand this has become.

Oh well. I’m happy. Shauna’s happy. DCR Designs is happy. Are you? Happy?